A very desi (Indian) queer living in-between New Delhi and New York.
'underground' in the title because the blog was anonymous for a few years when I started writing it in 2010! My peak twink days when I lived in the delusion that I 'hid' my homo-ness well hehe
I remember I saw you
the first time in a Youtube video. Just another celebrity crush I guess. I
obsessed about you. I obsessed about going to Tihar and fantasized about
meeting you as your lawyer. To see deep into your eyes, feel your (supposed)
pain and touch you while quoting obscure penal sections on sedition. I imagined
your deep husky voice wrapping me.
After that my regular visits
to JNU (Jawaharlal Nehru University) became……sexual visits to JNU. Random
streets for me started acquiring intimacy. Silly administrative block steps became
potential PDA spots. One afternoon, I finally saw you. I saw you lying down on
a sofa, with your head on your girlfriend’s lap and I recalled countless boys I
had fantasized about before and how their girlfriends were always the Komolika
to my Kausauti Zindagi Ki. You casually looked up, saw me for one second and
continued on with your life.
The moment I left the
room, I imagined how you would leave the room. You would think who that boy
was, why he left you with a sense of familiarity, that you wanted to feel that
familiarity by calling out to me, by touching my hand…. That was the day when I
finally got interested in JNU politics. I started looking for sexual undertones
in every slogan of yours. I started noting the difference of the tone of your
voice whenever you said ‘hum kya chahte’, never mind what came after that.
The second time I saw
you was in your hostel. You didn’t notice me this time. My eyes followed you
around the room. Funny thing about standing out because of your sexuality is
that even though people see you, they unsee you. They avoid your eyes. They
don’t look into you the way you look into them. You didn’t care. I had to
pretend that I was there for the cause and not for you. I had to appear
confident when you asked for donation for your party.
Over the years, it has
become so easy to look for familiarity in strangers. It has become so easy to
fall in love with strangers. To have a parallel world running inside me, solely
motivated by my desires for you. Where you will love me, touch me, fuck me….not
reject me. The next time you noticed me, you saw me. Not for me, but for the
way I looked. You had that smile. The smile I saw on countless boys in school
and college and continue to see on strangers in metro, streets. The smile which
makes me look away. The smile which tells me that I don’t belong here. The
smile which tells me that I should be made fun of. I pretended that I didn’t
notice. While walking away I imagined you standing up for me in front of your
friends. I imagined you running behind me, tapping me on my back, and I turn
and you say ‘aapko yahan maine pehle bhi dekha hai’. I smile and I say no and I
walk away. I leave you wanting more.
I came close to you in
another rally. I was drunk. I walked close to you. I subtly leaned forward and
smelled you. God! You smelled better than I thought you would. I could taste
the heaviness of your sweat. I could feel the fabric of your kurta touching your
skin. I saw your sweat covering your back. I saw those droplets shaped like
someone had scratched your back in a moment of ecstasy. I followed you the
I felt good. No, really
I did. This time I didn’t run any scenarios through my head. This time I walked
away, thinking about the smell of your sweat.
I only imagined you
falling in love. I only imagined my non-familiarity to your love.
Jawaharlal Nehru University (JNU), Delhi - September 2016
Everyone keeps talking about how great open relationship really is. Yes it is. In case you were wondering that this post was going to be me bitching about open relationships, it isn't. However, I do want to talk about what the most difficult part for me has been...being in an open relationship. It's been my tussle with figuring out intimacies. One thing that I have always been very clear in my head about before going into bed with anyone is that I can NOT get it up without being intimate with the other person. By intimacy I don't mean showering 'I love you's' or 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you' (thinking of which I have said 'I love you' to barely 5 people in my life) but requiring a minimum level of attachment with the other person. It could perhaps be me being attracted to the way he smells, or how intelligent he is, or good to talk to. I can not do anything without talking to the other person for some good time (which
I forget what year it was when we both found each other in that inconspicuous kitchen corner in Ejipura. I forget why I was visiting Bangalore/Bengaluru that night. My first job was shitty and barely paid me. So my only visits to Blore were when upper castes paid me to come tell them that upper castes are violent but the ones that paid for me to come to your city were not. Anyway, back to the kitchen corner. This time too, I had to pretend that I wasn't into you. Tiring, really. I was in a horrible relationship and was too afraid of being lonely. Took me years to realize that my loneliness had nothing to do with being lonely. And even more years to learn that I would rather be lonely alone than with a failed poet. Ok! Kitchen corner! I keep getting distracted. I was tired of my life, my job, my (then) boyfriend. You were with a boy who I think was in love with you? (Honestly, when are your lovers not!) Or atleast on his way to fall in love with you? Or maybe you were in love and he
I am now writing my first post of 2016! Sorry for taking 4 months since writing my last post. I was going through a terrible job crisis (which I have now quit and feel incredibly happy about, so yay!) and was just not in the mood to write anything. First of all, I don't know if I have mentioned this before or not but I am not anonymous anymore about DUG (Ugh, short form of my blog doesn't sound too cool, does it?). I have linked my instagram profile and twitter account to this blog. So I thought I would link both of those here as well. Second of all, it's been more than 5 years since I started writing this blog bitches! I am not ashamed of admitting that I had started writing my diary after watching the first episode of first season of The Vampire Diaries (yes, very lame but I am still watching the show and it has become very very painful) AND that I started writing this blog after watching Sex and the City (too bad I don't have fucking amazing deals like C