Fucked Up Intimacies

Everyone keeps talking about how great open relationship really is. Yes it is. 

In case you were wondering that this post was going to be me bitching about open relationships, it isn't. 

However, I do want to talk about what the most difficult part for me has been...being in an open relationship. It's been my tussle with figuring out intimacies. One thing that I have always been very clear in my head about before going into bed with anyone is that I can NOT get it up without being intimate with the other person. By intimacy I don't mean showering 'I love you's' or 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you' (thinking of which I have said 'I love you' to barely 5 people in my life) but requiring a minimum level of attachment with the other person. It could perhaps be me being attracted to the way he smells, or how intelligent he is, or good to talk to. I can not do anything without talking to the other person for some good time (which may stretch from 3 hours to 3 months).

Intimacy for me that does not really happen instantly, but something that develops. I don't really think I have a threshold of time against which I judge my each experience but I don't really have any particular sense of time that I ascribe as a pre-requisite for being...you know...there...fully. 

Few weeks back, I 'thought' (I don't know felt? experienced? felt hard at the thought of? wanted to suck his cock?), I felt a little bit *too* intimate with a guy. I liked the way he smelled, we have been talking since more than a year, I don't really know much about him, but something....SOMETHING about him, made me want to explore the possibility of being intimate, more than the usual that is. The problem, as has been since FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL WITH EVERY GUY THAT I FALL FOR is that he wasn't interested. 

But this incident got me thinking, am I really okay with loving more than one person? Yes, I do have really intimate moments with guys who I occasionally sleep with but what the fuck does this even mean? I think I also have the capability of living in illusions. For instance, how fleeting these moments of intimacies really are! YOU might think that you are having such a wonderful time in bed or having an excellent date with the other person but they might just be having a really average time or well, counting the minutes the hell gets over for them. And whenever I DO get intimate, I feel so exposed. It's like I am giving some part of me away.

And I don't think guys generally know how to deal with those moments. I have had guys completely ignore me after that because they just couldn't handle that kind of relationship without the tag of 'boyfriend' or guys repeatedly telling me 'I love you' because the level of affection and being there would just not be possible in a casual(?) moment. 

Where does that leave me? Because I genuinely DO want to explore these moments more. Without having to worry about being asked out for a serious committed relationship. Would it always be, that you are in it for all or nothing at all? Or just nameless senseless fucking? I mean these hook up apps are what we make of them right? Not just One night stands? Or gossip columns of who is sleeping with whom? 

Now I find it completely impossible to suck someone's cock and not look at them. It's just really powerful. To have someone's dick in your mouth and feel like you are in control of their entire body's movement. And see that sense of submission and/or lust in their eyes. Or to be fucked or fuck someone in missionary position and not be looking at their fucking forehead. To fucking look into their eyes and tell them to let themselves loose. To fucking give in and look at me in the eyes! Or to not just move from one act of foreplay to the next but actually enjoy being with each other in bed. To feel each other bodies. To not just smell each other but lick that fucking smell out of each other and taste it in each other's tongues. 

Well, to summarize, my time being all independent and in control of my life (I dont think I am, I just pretend that I am so that I can sleep at night) is not really that great. Because men in this fucking city only want to fuck for recreational purposes or to 'bust some stress'. Damnit I don't want to fuck for the sake of fucking. I want to enjoy it. 

I want to sign off (does anyone really reads this blog...) with something I had written for this group on FB called...oh wait...I'll be giving away my anonymity then..anyway..here it is.

"His eyes never left his face. He wanted to stare into his eyes. To assure himself that the depth of that desire ....of that longing wasn't just in him. He repeatedly felt his lips.His fingers, hungry, discovered every inch of that eyebrow, ears, nose. He was ready to expose his vulnerabilities. He was ready to lose himself.

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Lying down, all he wanted was to forget. To forget that he could never fall in love again. To forget that he could never find himself through someone else. Looking would betray his thoughts. Looking would make him remember. Looking would be.....intimate. So he didn't.

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'I had a good time'

'Yeah me too'

'See you soon then?'

'Yes. Of course'

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And in that moment when he looked anywhere but his eyes, he knew.

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He knew how fleeting moments of intimacies are. 

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He decided never take the step to expose himself again.

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'Well, goodbye then......'"